Wait... he said WHAT??!!

As we begin closing bases in Iraq, handing authority over to the Iraqis and generally making ourselves scarce, I think it's best to look back at what I consider to be the most ironic, hilarious, and often misguided quotes about the Iraq War from the very same people who helped orchestrate it in the beginning. Let me, however, first be frank: people make mistakes and hindsight is often aided by irony. When I was in college I vehemently opposed the escalation of US forces in Iraq and yet here I am. Had someone quoted me then, maybe I would've made the list. Thankfully, no one has ever cared much about what I have to say. Nor am I trying to ride the tidal wave of good Democratic emotion; I am a registered Republican and would describe my political leanings as, at times, slightly to the right of Genghis Khan.


So, without further ado, and with a nod to Cracked.com, who inspired this, I give you

The Top 5 Quotes About the War on Terror in Iraq

1. "I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency." --Vice President Dick Cheney, on the Iraq insurgency, June 20, 2005

Vice President Chaney, during a televised interview on CNN, claimed that by the onset of the summer of 2005 the insurgency which had gripped Iraq and led cities like Fallujah become household names was over. Or at least, about to be over. Total combat-related casualties before July, 2005: 1781. Total combat-related casualties since July, 2005: 2658.

Hey, he never said that the last throes wouldn't be longer than the insurgency itself. Or that they'd be very deadly. Just we were in an ill-defined period of "last throe."

2. "Freedom's untidy, and free people are free to make mistakes and commit crimes and do bad things." –Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld on looting in Iraq after the U.S. invasion, adding "stuff happens," April 11, 2003

So, we're giving people who place IEDs on the side of the road, capture foreign nationals, plot intricate ambushes on coalition forces and attempt to deny the right to vote - and participate in the electoral process in general - to women and minorities a blank check? Yeah I guess so. They are just experiencing a twisted sort of freedom for the first time. I don't know about you but I feel better now.

3. "From a marketing point of view, you don't roll out new products in August." --White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card, on why the Bush administration waited until after Labor Day to try to sell the American people on war against Iraq, "New York Times" interview, Sept. 7, 2002

......

4. "Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed." –President Bush, standing under a "Mission Accomplished" banner on the USS Lincoln aircraft carrier, May 2, 2003

Yep. And it only took 7 years, 3 months and 29 days for Operation: New Dawn to begin, officially ending the United States' combat mission in Iraq and labeling the units deploying there not "Brigade Combat Teams" but "Advise and Assist Brigades." Considering we still don't know who shot JFK, this is lightning-fast

5a. "We know he's been absolutely devoted to trying to acquire nuclear weapons, and we believe he has, in fact, reconstituted nuclear weapons." –Vice President Dick Cheney, "Meet The Press" March 16, 2003
5b. "I don't know anybody that I can think of who has contended that the Iraqis had nuclear weapons." –Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, June 24, 2003

This only makes sense when you remember that the Vice President and the Secretary of Defense never work together, and in fact never even get to meet one another. And also remember that the President never, ever meets with his cabinet and Vice President before making large decisions; in fact the cabinet does not date to George Washington trying to make sure he was duly informed before making a decision. Wait - what's that? That was all made up? Oh then these quotes would seem to COMPLETELY CONTRADICT ONE ANOTHER.

Oh well. Hypocrisy is only irony with style.