There are a number of things about the Army that bother me. I could make a list but... oh what the hell I'll make a list. So what follows is a completely personal, non-scientific study conducted by me about the single most annoying things about the Army.
1. We have pockets in our pants, but our hands cannot go in them
HOLY CRAP man... You're about to be in a world of pain. Look at you, using pockets like the designer intended you to use them for. Rebel...I think this is one of the most reviled regulations the Army has. AR (stands for "Army Regulation") 670-1 (3 Feb. 05), 1-9, a(3), says, “While in uniform, personnel will not place their hands in their pockets, except momentarily to place or retrieve objects.” Gotcha. So we cannot have our hands in our pockets except to put our keys in there or retrieve a ringing phone. Which is good, because the current uniform only has like two pockets.
Yeah, no pockets on this guy's uniform
Wait a second... Yeah that doesn't make sense at all. I am with you. I see the word "pockets" in that photo like, four times. And that doesn't include the pockets on the butt of the trousers... and it doesn't include the pockets put into the uniform specifically for pens. There are like 10 different pockets in the Army uniform that are NOT directly below the belt on the left and right hip. That means I have a dozen options for my wallet, keys and cell phone. It would make sense, then, that the designers of the uniform thought "you know, Soldiers have to carry a lot of things so we'd better give them more than just the hip pockets." Additionally, since every pocket seems to have a purpose, its not like some big wig at the ol' uniform factory stood up during a board meeting and said "lets throw in two additional pockets that serve no purpose just because we are a heartless uniform company and we can!!" followed by like twelve other big wigs laughing heartily, smoking cigars, drinking whiskey and kicking puppies. No. It is quite likely that did not happen. But, like I said, there is no need to ever reach into my hip pockets for anything except because I am cold (and since unless everyone is wearing gloves, no one can wear gloves and people always forget gloves). But no, heaven forbid I have warm hands. Because hands in my pockets means I can't salute. Which brings me to my next point...
2. Saluting in general
Just so you know, in anticipation of this entry I looked up a number of different pictures so I would have witty tangents ready in case I felt my ironic comments were failing. So with that in mind please realize I was trying to find a picture of an exasperated officer saluting like, 50 privates. So I Googled "salute" and "angry" and this is what I got:
Yep. Hillary Clinton, fourth in line for the presidency. And this was her best rendition of a salute. Bear in mind that she is Secretary of State, and thus works closely with people who are in the freaking military. And no one thought to pull her aside and say, "Ma'am, we defeated the British in 1783. We don't salute like that anymore." Seriously, if you ever wondered why I (and most officers) hated saluting, here is reason #1: people do it all the time for no apparent reason. Like the car wash? Salute the guy. Want that supersized? Salute the guy. Need a beer? Salute the guy. I remember my first salute. I was smiling. I had gone through like 6 months of training and someone was finally saluting me. Now? Not so much. I had a standing rule in my platoon, often broken, that I was never to be saluted and I was to be addressed as either "dude" or "bro." Even these days, as I walk to work, I carry small stones with me to throw at people who attempt to salute me. I hate it. You try having to raise your frozen hands kept mercilessly out of your pockets to your forehead with your fingers extended and joined and your hand slightly cantered fifteen times in the space of a minute because your Soldiers all got 8 paces apart and walked in a straight line toward you, and tell me you won't start bringing rocks to work.
3. Uniformity
As I alluded to above, no matter the occasion, unless every Soldier is wearing some extra item, like gloves, no one can wear them. When we are marching in uniforms or doing a "pass and review" this makes sense; the Army wants its Soldiers looking the same. I get that. But sometimes (read: all the time) people take this too far.
When I got LASIK surgery, I was required to wear sunglasses at all times. Still am. So imagine my dismay when I came to a formation after surgery wearing sunglasses as ordered, and my First Sergeant said "Hey, sir, take your glasses of. Not everyone is wearing them and this formation has to be uniform." Now, as many of you know I had a love-hate relationship with this particular First Sergeant, so I am pretty sure I showed him how amazing and/or unique my middle finger was and simply carried on not giving a crap. But seriously?? I have a medical condition which required me to wear sunglasses, and at our release formation that was what was on the First Sergeant's mind? Not "let's get these Soldiers home" or "I sure have to remember to do a safety brief." No. It is more important to remind me to be uniform at the risk of my fragile eyesight. When I put it in that context, the middle finger seems appropriate.
4. People who like to remind you that they got to work really early
Now this is endemic across the working world, so I hope people can feel my pain. But consider: at Fort Hood, we have to be at work no later than 0600 every morning. There are nearly 60,000 Soldiers at Fort Hood and, at last count, only like 8 entrances. And all Soldiers, regardless of rank, are allergic to carpooling. So, no matter what, every morning between maybe 0530 and 0600 the 8 gates are backed up anywhere between 100 and 500 feet with the cars of the 40,000 or so Soldiers who live off post. I learned early on that if I left my house at 0510, I would be at work at 0520. However, if I left at 0515, I would be at work at 0555 and sweating bullets the entire way, fearing I would be late. So, some people get to work early. And other people take getting to work early to a whole new, never-before-necessary level.
"Wow, Rory looks tired.""Yeah he got in at 0400 this morning so he could tell us he got in at 0400."
"Really? What a tool"
"Really? What a tool"
I get it. We all wake up really early to get to work on time. But whether or not I get to work at 0500 or 0558, so long as I am at formation by 0600 I am on time. So why oh why do people feel the need to suck down Monsters or Starbucks, or make a pot of coffee for everyone but really only them all the while proclaiming "yeah I got to work at 0430 this morning." Really champ? 0430 huh? Good job. While you were getting to work I was... what's that called? SLEEPING. Because why the hell would you get to work at 0430?? That gives you an hour and a half to return all the e-mails you're not going to get because everyone else is sleeping. And please, stop with the reminders that you got up early when I yawn. Congrats. I get it. You got here early because you woke up early, not because someone told you to get here and guard the computers.
My friend Jeremy and I used to text each other late at night -- talking 11 pm or later -- something to the effect of "yeah big day at work on Monday, so I just pulled into the office now." Usually it was a Saturday night. You know why it was funny? For some people, that is not far off.
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